I Am Clit Flick Lit Crack Whore – Fifty Shades of Grey Review

24 hours after my post on In The Powder Room Fifty Shades of Filth I downloaded Fifty Shades of Grey onto my kindle so that I could read it and give you my Fifty Shades of Grey review.

I have to say that I devoured it, and 48 hours later I completed book one, and now I hunger for book two. To me Fifty Shades of Grey is Bird’s Eye raspberry flavoured Angel Delight. (For my non-Brit readers this is a branded children’s mousse pudding.) I love raspberry flavoured Angel Delight it’s just delicious and moreish but I wouldn’t serve it at a dinner party because it’s synthetic and cheap.

I was entertained by Fifty Shades of Grey and surely that is the point of any recreational pursuit. If you don’t like reading about people getting jiggy then obviously this is not for you. I don’t mind it. I love a cheese-fest. Dynasty and The Colby’s were fabulously, trashy and camped up TV. Please extract your head out of your bottom and let’s not over think it.

I am definitely in for the trilogy but obviously I have a few niggles. My biggest problem is that Christian Grey is GINGER!!! As soon I read that I had a little chat with my subconscious and made him blonde, and a sort of young version of Matt Damon. Each to their own. Who does your Christian Grey resemble? Not many people have realised that he is ginger. Copper hair = ginger. So they have made him what they want him to be. They only possible Christian Grey actor in my mind is Damian Lewis.

Fifty Shades of Grey Review

Then, Anastasia Steele seems to have a problem describing her lady parts. I think ‘vagina’ is written once. Most of the time she refers to her ‘sex’. I don’t like use of the word ‘sex’ for her vagingo! What’s wrong with moo moo or tuppy or furry Maria? I mean who says ‘runs my hands over my sex’!’ Clearly ‘runs my hands over my foo foo’ would be better, or other adjectives for front bottom. It is of course for this reason that I don’t write erotic fiction because as soon as his tumescent erectile missile penetrates her lubed up vajazzle my natural need to ridicule definitely spoils the moment and it turns into a spoof. Note to self – take erotica more seriously.

Then, of course, there is Ana cuming left, right and centre, at the drop of a hat. They must have done it five times and she is blowing her steam like a copper kettle, or is that ginger kettle. I want some of what she’s having please.

Although really I don’t think I fancy any anal fisting, vaginal fisting and definitely no spanking! Ouchie!! The good news is I am definitely not into S&M with the ginger billionaire. Ana, she can have him. But I like the obsessional nature of the book and I think it’s that for me, which makes it compelling reading.

On the bright side it has made me want to read Tess of the D’Urbervilles as clearly I am missing out on one of Hardy’s greats! If you can’t handle a bit of the how’s your father and perhaps you enjoy more highbrow literature then avoid. But if you want to get a bit wet between the legs and voyeur on the frantic sex life of the 21 year old virgin and the ginger billionaire then definitely dip into this trashy page turn-er.

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20 Comments

  1. Becca_Masters July 18, 2012 Reply

    I glossed over the bit about copper hair and made him a brunette….

    • A Modern Military Mother July 18, 2012 Reply

      Absolutely – I was not going to get off on his copper top.

  2. EmmaK July 18, 2012 Reply

    lol Maybe E L James is fighting to make gingers more popular in erotic literature! Glad you enjoyed your cheese fest!!

    • A Modern Military Mother July 18, 2012 Reply

      Yes – ginger billionaires of the world will be filled with hope for a kinkier future!! I am pretty sure Chris Evans will be delighted!!

  3. Pinkoddy July 20, 2012 Reply

    The ginger I could handle – but yeh the “sex” put me off – I expect porn to read as the name for a cat. And the other thing is how he is so big yet she fits him in her mouth ok, never moans it hurts – even with anal it’s a quick oh hang on let me get used to it.

    I must learn to suspend my disbelief more.

    Great review.

    • A Modern Military Mother July 20, 2012 Reply

      Ha ha! Thanks – Yes – I know she deep throats like a pro without gagging. I haven’t got to her first anal yet! Something to look forward too!

  4. Liska July 20, 2012 Reply

    YES, finally a review of 50 shades of grey that is NOT taking itself too seriously!
    I read all 3 books in 7 days and thoroughly enjoyed them.
    They were JUST what I needed that week which was pure 100% escapism.
    I really don’t understand all the criticism and the amount of bile that is in it all.
    Liska x

    • A Modern Military Mother July 20, 2012 Reply

      I have heard that people go into withdrawal after they are finished. I can’t put them down – it’s so distracting! Glad you liked the review. I think everyone needs to lighten up – maybe they need a good spanking!

    • A Modern Military Mother July 20, 2012 Reply

      Ps: I think the bile is due to the fact that it’s trashy literature that pulls in the money instead of highbrow.

      Publishing is so up it’s own and arse and bourgeois. At the end of the day – women dominate the book buying market and we are all loving this little dirty bag of spiders. I am not sure it’s just the sex though. In my review of the next one I’ll reveal more. I think I know why we are hooked in and it’s not because we want our butts plugged!

      • lee September 17, 2012 Reply

        all men have withdrawal after sex. but nobody ever thinks about us. hey it was funny in my head

        • A Modern Military Mother September 17, 2012 Reply

          Ha ha! Well, I did think the book set unrealistic expectations about a man’s post coital recovery periods!!

  5. Suzanne Bird July 20, 2012 Reply

    What a brilliant review, very well put! I too devoured the book about the (brunette) billionaire and subsequently book two and three thereafter. I enjoyed the trilogy because I took it for exactly what it was delightful escapism, obsessing reading – what any book should be really. It didn’t make me want to turn the playroom into a red room of pain and I don’t insist on signing off by saying “laters, baby” to Himindoors, but still a very enjoyable series. x

    • A Modern Military Mother July 20, 2012 Reply

      Thanks so much. Yes – ‘laters baby’ does make me do a little wretch but I can handle it. I don’t think it should be taken too seriously as a book and also, people are reading!! This is great news. It’s great for publishing!! Are you in withdrawal now? I here life is a bit empty once it’s over.

  6. Ginger?! I must have missed that part. He is definitely not ginger in my mind either, not that there is anything wrong with ginger hair of course 😉 x

    • A Modern Military Mother August 3, 2012 Reply

      Ahem! No, of course not. (Crosses fingers) How many women fess up to wanting a bit of ginger though 😉

  7. lee September 17, 2012 Reply

    i prefere instant whip?

    • A Modern Military Mother September 17, 2012 Reply

      surely not!

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