Parenting: Didn’t Breastfeed? Broccoli Is The Ultimate Maternal Compensator

Screen Shot 2015-03-18 at 13.39.28Did you not breastfeed your baby? According to new cock womble research, breastfed babies are more likely to turn into well-educated and higer-earning adults according to a long-term study in Brazil.
” Our study provides the first evidence that prolonged breastfeeding not only increases intelligence until at least the age of 30 years, but also has an impact both at an individual and societal level by improving educational attainment and earning ability,” said Dr Cock Womble, who headed up the research. Adding, ” there was evidence from other studies of the nuritional value of mother’s milk, rich in long-chain polyunsaturated acids, which are essential for brain growth.”
I have already written about this revolting debate years ago in my post The Battle of the Boobs and the Bottle
Is it possible to construct a lucrative career out of making shit up? I could totally rock that job. I heard in a recent study by a the Chinese Institute of Absolutely No Bullshit Cock Womble Free Science that eating broccoli regularly makes children more likely to win the Nobel Peace Prize for awesomeness because that is actually a thing. #wordup
I know this to be true because I was breastfed until yesterday, when I finally latched off.
According to this made up study, feeding your children broccoli compensates for lack of breastfeeding, so you can absolutely earn back those lost non breast fed IQ points, societal status, gross wealth and intellectual ambition by feeding them this amazing vegetable. In fact, I believe broccoli can compensate for all mother’s guilt. Use it to earn back your shit mothering faux pas by feeding your children broccoli as often as possible. And, as a mother, if you eat broccoli your children will sleep through the night the minute they are born and never misbehave.
There you go – in case you were feeling like a shit mother because you didn’t breastfeed your child for entirely your own private and personal reasons then you must be wholly relieved to know that broccoli is now your salvation. Praise be the broccoli.

4 Comments

    1. Ooooh comments – it’s been so long since I have had bona fide comments! Yes broccoli, the now must have vegetable!

    1. Look what you started! That was a great Facebook thread! And thanks for the comment – it feels like years since I have had to answer a comment on my blog 🙂

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