Happy New Year!! Did you have a spectacular Christmas and New Year?
I had a super chilled, gluttonous Christmas which I would like to dedicate to Netflix and the Danish/Swedish series The Bridge. It’s awesome and I have some very similar character traits to Saga Noren, the lead detective, and she does make me chuckle in between being gripped by the drama, and then noting, how well equipped are the Swedish and Danish police as the track mobile phones with mythical capability. Saga is literal, straight forward and candid. I wish we could all be like that. Life would be simpler. I have crossed the Oresund Bridge, visited both Malmo and Copenhagen, and love Sweden as a country which is an additional bobby bonus. Oh yes, and my Swedish is improving delightfully, tak.
I haven’t made any resolutions as such this year but instead I am preparing to confront my past and finally, put it to bed so that I can move on and positively grow my life. For various reasons, I have chosen not to speak with, or see my father for 3 years, whilst I was dealing with the ramifications of my husband’s arrest, charge, court case and acquittal. The last four years have been awful and awesome. On the bright side and in the face of great adversity many wonderful things have also occurred, but overall, after a truly dramatic, traumatic period, I feel wholly altered.
In 2015 I want to connect with my former, fun loving, energetic self. Stress is toxic, and over the last four years, it’s evils vines have slowly eased around my body, with the warm, securing, stealth of a boa constrictor, and tightly squeezed age and aches into my muscles and bones. My face has drawn droopily and the wicked crow’s feet have left imprints at the edges of my eyes. I am tired beyond my years.
My family around me are safely in routines that work in their best interest. The churn of every day life is rhythmical, and so as life pistons perpetually rotate, it is now time for me to look after myself and deal with the emotions that I have enduringly suppressed.
Now that I am 43 years old and have spent four decades occupying my emotionally repressed self, I am aware of the early indicators of a potential meltdown. In December I drank heavily twice and I could feel the emotion bubbling in my throat ready to explode in a messy, car crash, crazy of emotional vomit. I watched ‘Eat Love Pray’ on Netflix one night, and one of the characters said, ‘I drink so I don’t feel’. It struck a chord. I drink so I don’t feel. So I have stopped drinking and I have started therapy so that I can process a lifetime of suppressed emotion in a supported environment, instead of hitting the booze hard and making a twat of myself. Maybe I have finally grown up.
My next book ‘Looking For Mr Rabbit’, which is in edit, addresses my past, as I try, in life to understand how my mother died when I was 2 years old, coming terms with my relationship with my father and examining my broken marriage.
To help me cope my plan is to run a 10K in June and significantly reduce my alcohol intake. It’s only day 6 but I have already done my first run and abstained from alcohol. More importantly I didn’t kick the arse out of it at New Year and opened 2015 without a hangover. Baby steps but on the whole a positive start.
Here is an excerpt written by my mother, 3 months before she died.
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Please join me on my journey. The only thing I can guarantee is that it will be honest and authentic. The ride is slow. The knot is tightly tied and the unravelling will take some time.
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