The Case Of The Missing Hamster: Chapter Fourteen

The Fourteeth Bit:  A Battle Between Good and Evil.



Force of will pinned Clare to her chair.  Lucrezia The Hamster mumbled spells of Dark Arts Possession .  She was preparing to rip Clare’s soul from her body.

Small beads of blood began to appear on Clare’s chin.  The same would be happening in her back.  Lucrezia was drawing her, body and soul towards the circle.  Her blood a key to the spell.  Clare’s eyes began to glaze and roll up into her head.

Then Lucrezia exploded.




I know.  I know.

You were expecting me to do some sort of daring do.

Maybe throw an amulet into the circle.

Perhaps even reveal myself to be some sort of Wizard P.I. who could stand toe to toe… claw with a witch and hurl all sorts of majic stuff about.  Lightning bolts and the like.


I was facing a Hamster for God’s Sake.  I hit her with my shoe.

End result?  Hamster Jam.




“Just look at the mess on my table.”  Clare shouted.  “And what am I going to tell the kids about what happened to Ginger?  And who’s going to clean up all of this mess?  Do you think that skinny moron of yours will have any luck finding a replacement hamster?  And where’s that bloody little bastard that was trying to shag the bitch that wanted me inside her?”  And did that sound as dirty as I think it did?”

“Possibly.” I said, filling the kettle for another coffee.  “But I’m open minded.  As is your rabbit, it seems.”

I was looking out of the window and seeing Humph doing The Nasty with a rabbit in the garden.  Well, not the first time, though normally he hits them on the head first or at least slips them a bit of doped carrot.

“Don’t sweat it Lady.” I said, making a halfway decent cup of instant Black.  “We just saved you from doing laps around a wheel for the rest of your natural, while your body engaged in depravity that would make even me raise an eyebrow.  And I invented The Trick With The Five Scarves and The Ice Cubes.   Must read your book though and find out about the…”

“Best you don’t.” She said, scrubbing away at the Hamster Blood Pool.  “And don’t think I’m going to forget that your little guy was going to sell us all out for a quick shag.”

“Nope.” I said lighting a fresh smoke.  “He was distracting her so I could slip off my shoe and do the business.  Normally we do that trick on Gnomes.  Surprising how susceptible they are to the little bastards charms.  We work this stuff out in advance you know.”

“So where is The Borgia Bitch now?”  She poured  herself a cola and I passed her a smoke.

“Well, given by the circles she laid down…  I’d say she’d stuck herself in a loop.  Endless reincarnation in the same body, aware of what’s gone on and always having to repeat it.  Hopefully as dysentery again, she sounded like she enjoyed that.”

“Death’s too good…”

“Nah.  She’s just a product of her time.  A warped, twisted and sexually deviant product of her time but still.  At least if she was dead she’d be warm.  Very warm by all accounts.  That rabbit is not looking happy.”

“Why is the little Snot Man getting some scarves out of a bag?  And why is there hardly any ice left in the freezer.  I wanted some for my cola.”

“It’s a secret.” I said, tearing my eyes away from the scene.  “Like the Speaking In Fonts.”

“Care to share?”


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