The Thirteenth Bit: Horny Hormunculous Handles Horrible Hamster.
I lit myself a fresh smoke and kicked Clare under the table. She was about to interrupt. Straight non-peeper guys don’t get the idea. When the Bad Guy…. Bad Hamster is chundering on you just let them. They give you a chance to walk out alive. A chink in their armour that you can use. Especially if they can throw bloody great big fire balls and burn your house down.
“So I thought that I’d skip the whole mammalian route and another five centuries at least. Go straight to human, with a little detour via possession. That way I get to actually live again.” Lucrezia the Hamster Borgia gave a little squeak of excitement at the prospect.
“But if you possessed me…” Clare butted in, kicking me first this time. “You would have one Hell of a fight on your hands.”
“Oh Please Lady.” Lucrezia gave the sort of smile only a rodent can manage. “You’d be easy as poisoning my first husband. A walk around the wheel as it were. I’ve already marked you and used your blood to draw circles of power all over this house. A few words and BANG. You pop out of your body and bounce around for a bit. While you’re out, I move in. Easy as it gets. Once you’ve figured out what’s happening, that only leaves you one place to go. My old body. See how you like being a rat for a while. In the meantime, well… I have noticed quite a few very pretty young men and women here abouts. I’ve been without a decent, what was it you called it? ‘Zipless Fuck’? for centuries. I thoroughly intend to make up for it. And after a potion or two, I’m sure even some of the more reticent young ladies from the W.I will give in to my advances.”
“Especially when she’s got such a tight, hot young body. And once you’ve moved in, how would you feel about a little Red Hot Homunculus Action, Doll? Reaches the parts no other man, woman or implement can reach. Literally.” Humph sidled over and put an arm around Lucrezia’s shoulders. “In fact, I’m not adverse to a little Hamster action if there’s any going.”
Lucrezia stroked Humph’s face. She did the gazing into his eyes thing. She even gave to most lascivious and lecherous wink I’d ever seen one being ever give another.
I did the trick with the shoe.
“If I get the timing right, Little Man, you may be up for a nice little three-way.” Then Lucrezia turned her attention back to us. “You three however…. Well, two for the Toaster and one for the plug hole…. as it were.”
Then Lucrezia, with Humph watching, began to draw a large circle with her rear claws. Circles within circles, amplifying the power. Amplifying her will. Pressure began to build in the kitchen, and in true pyromaniacal standard, the flowers in the window burst into flames. Pete dashed to the sink and ran them under the tap.
Then it got Nasty.