The Case of The Missing Hamster: Chapter Twelve

The Twelfth Bit:  Dead isn’t necessarily Dead.



“Yes.  I am the Great Lucrezia Borgia.  And don’t look at me like that Lady.  It’s not easy to sex a Hamster you know, the guy at the shop just threw the first one he could into a box and you got me.  Alright.  Boo Fucking Hoo.  Get over it.”

“But Lucrezia Borgia is…..”  You could tell Clare was struggling to find the right words.

“Dead.”  Lucrezia The Hamster said.  “Very dead.  Died while squeezing out another little bastard for old Al of Ferrara.  Oh, and it was definitely a little bastard, because Al could only get it up for guys, so I worked my way around half the army.  It killed the time.  There is only so much tapestry and poisoning one woman can do.”

“True.”  Said Clare.  “So you are…”

“The reincarnated spirit of a serial killer.”  I butted in.  A little reality check never goes amiss.

“Now that’s a bit of a harsh term.”  Humphrey chipped in.  “I mean, a dame in those days only had so many career options you know.  And besides…  by all accounts she was a bit of a shag magnet.  Bit like me.”  Humph licked his hair flat.  A sure sign he was on the pull.

“So what were you doing here?”  Clare asked.  “I mean, you’ve burned half the bloody house down.”

“Well.”  Lucrezia went on.  “I’ve been on hundreds of years moving my way up the Reincarnation Ladder.  I started off as a bacillus.  Then an amoeba.  Years of that, endlessly subdividing.  Never really getting anyway.  Years down the line, a flatworm.  Imagine that.  A bloody flatworm.  It’s taken me centuries of being a good little nematode or insect to reach the giddy heights of being a fucking rodent.  And the worst of it is, you’re fully aware of all of your past lives.  So not only do I remember all the fun we had at The Vatican, but I also remember the wild times I had being Amoebic Dysentry.  Frankly I’m tired of waiting.  And do you know the worst of it?  I don’t even believe in Reincarnation.  I’m a Catholic through and through.  True, I might also be a practicing Witch, but I’m still a Catholic Witch.”

Lucrezia The Hamster gave an Evil Grin.  Capital letter and everything.

“And you’re all going to die.  Horribly.”



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