It is in response to a very, very, very senior doctor in the USA who was fired for saying that wanking is good for you and if younger people concentrated on bashing one out instead of bashing one in there would be less teenage pregnancies. A few years ago, I was lucky enough to have a conversation with a serving officer, who had experienced a few problems with his seminal plumbing while he was out in Afghanistan. The doc had told him that he needed to masturbate at least twice week in order to flush out his tubes. Women who masturbate regularly are less likely to suffer yeast infections. Masturbation is sort of an orgasmic flush.

Yet, it’s ok for men to say they regularly toss one off and many films humorously depict men’s endeavours to secure some peace and quiet to enjoy some self pleasuring. There is the apple pie scene in American Pie, or Jay from The Inbetweener’s Dead Hand Gang exploits. Or even the classic Peter Cook and Dudley Moore radio sketch ‘I was having a wank’

But women don’t get such comic interludes and frequent depiction about their self pleasuring unless we are embarrassed on the discovery of our vibrator – think Steve Martin discovering Dianne Wiest vibrator in Parenthood. Women don’t wank and if we do, we don’t admit it publicly, we only admit it to people we trust who also secretly admit it. There is still a taboo around whether it is ok for women to wank. The bottom line is this – how do you know if you have experienced an orgasm if you don’t find out for yourself what an orgasm feels like. Masturbating is the best insurance in guaranteed orgasm every time. Think about that. Anyway as May is Masturbation Month I thought that I would celebrate it with this blog post and so to finish let me play you out with this fabulous song by Ivor Biggun – I am a wanker: (Just click on the pic!)

Although, clearly I don’t do such a thing. I am indeed a nun, who doesn’t have a dirty habit. #Justsaying

Childcare vouchers should be made available to the self-employed, says Sodexo Motivation Solutions

Sodexo Motivation Solutions, a leading provider of employee benefits and childcare vouchers, is calling on the Government to extend childcare vouchers to self-employed parents in order to help self-employed and start-up businesses. With the Government looking to entrepreneurs to pave the way towards revitalizing the economy, Sodexo Motivation Solutions believes that this tax free salary sacrifice scheme should be available to all working parents, including the self-employed.

The childcare voucher schemes that are currently available through most employers allow parents to save significant amounts of money each year on childcare for children up to the age of 15. The vouchers can be used to pay for all or part of the costs of any registered childcare provider that the parents choose to use, as well as holiday camps and after school clubs. If both working parents participate in the scheme, they can save up to approximately £1,866 a year.

Sodexo Motivation Solutions’ managing director, Iain McMath said:
“It is a pity that the Government has made no indication that it will be making this tremendously helpful scheme available to all working parents. There are more new startups during this recession than at any other time. Based on official statistics, in the spring of 2010 self-employment was higher than at the start of the recession in 2008 and by the autumn of 2011 had reached a record level of 4.14 million (14.2% of total employment).

With the rising costs of childcare hitting families hard the Government needs to be supporting this group, which it views as central to economic recovery, with as much help as possible. Offering childcare vouchers would be a relatively small investment, yet has the potential of making a huge difference.”

Here’s some advice for all you who are served by marvelous, selfless women – DON’T TAKE HER FOR GRANTED!!! Being taken for granted is the most disrespectful act of nonchalance. Appreciate those who do for you. Say thank you with a gift from Interflora. (I really do truly recommend the Heavenly Scents Gift Box. It’s amazing!) They also do a great selection of gifts for her.

Saying thank you doesn’t have to cost the earth but a small gesture of appreciation is an easy way to make a woman feel like her contribution is not being taken for granted.

Rebekah Brooks and her husband, Charlie, are being charged with perverting the course of justice as part of the phone hacking inquiry. Rebekah, or Becki, (she is not known to her friends as Becki, but I like it, so why not) Brooks is facing three charges of conspiracy to pervert the course of justice while her husband faces two.

They said: “We deplore this weak and unjust decision.”

The charges refer to alleged offences in July last year including hiding documents and ‘pooters from the fuzz.

The couple are the first to be charged in the 18 month inquiry.

Becki Brooks’s PA, Cheryl Carter, her chauffeur, Paul Edwards, security staff member Daryl Jorsling and News International head of security Mark Hanna are also being charged with the same offence.

The Brook’s said: “We have this morning been informed by the Office of the Department of Public Prosecutions that we are to be charged with perverting the course of justice.”

Followed by: “After the further unprecedented posturing of the CPS we will respond later today after our return from the police station.”

The CPS barrister – Alison Levitt, QC, said that it was all “in the interests of transparency and accountability”.

Becki Brooks was arrested on 13 March as part of Operation Weeting.

On the second charge, Chezza Carter and Becki Brooks are accused of conspiring to remove seven boxes of material from the News International archive between 6 and 9 July.

Then in a third charge, Chaz and Becki Brooks, Messrs Hanna, Edwards and Jorsling are accused of conspiring to conceal documents, computers and other electronic equipment from the fuzz between 15 and 19 July.

A seventh suspect who has not been named and who also provided security for Becki Brooks, will not be charged.

Soooooooo speculate, speculate – will David Cameron resign now? On the 10th July 2011 I wrote about how Becki Brooks was the White Witch out of the Chronicles of Narnia and so I wonder now does that make David Cameron, Edmund tucking into Becki’s, err I mean The White Witch’s Turkish Delight – LOL?

The Leveson Inquiry is showing us that the cosy relationship between Rebekkah Brooks and David Cameron was wholly inappropriate. Not because they were in a sexual relationship but because their friendship was unethically exploited to broker power between two greedy, autonomy hunting parties – News Corps and Cameron’s Conservative Party. Now in a pathetic word dance off where Rupert Murdoch, James Murdoch, Rebekkah Brooks and Andy Coulson use carefully crafted sentences to state the truth and nothing but the truth what we see is power protecting power.

But I say NO – it’s not OK. In a democracy the Government elect are answerable to the people. They work on behalf of the people, in the best interests of the people, who elected them. David Cameron behaved unethically and behind closed doors he negotiated and brokered his leadership and his ascent into power through nepotism and subtle solicitation. I say ‘Off with his head!’

Step down David Cameron – your time is up. The tide must turn – the British people can’t let this continue. Call for Cameron’s resignation – it’s your right. In a democracy we choose our leaders they do not get to manipulate us like this. It’s time to jump on the outrage bus – or is it that you simply can’t be arsed?!

Born to ride

Safer andThe numbers show that both male and female bikers are on the rise, but it seems that women are taking much more of a shine to motorbikes than ever before. It’s understandable why two wheels is a much more tempting option than driving a car. Motorbikes are usually a lot more fuel efficient so they save you money at the pumps, and riding a motorbike can also cut your journey time by a third compared to the same journey on four wheels. Motorbikes have become an increasingly popular method of transport for younger women with busier lifestyles. Also, the lure of adventure and exhilaration of the ride isn’t gender specific, so we’re also seeing lady bikers who ride just for the love of riding.

Safer and cheaper

At the moment, women who ride motorbikes tend to enjoy a cheaper rate of motorbike insurance than men. This is down to the fact that, on the whole, women tend to be less accident prone than their testosterone-fuelled counterparts. Men account for roughly 96 per cent of all motorbike accidents in the UK, and while this is partly due to there still being more men on two wheels than women, it’s also down to women just being plain safer when they ride. Insurers like the statistics behind this and so motorbike insurance for women tends to come with a cheaper price tag. How this will change when the European Court of Justice (ECJ) ruling on gender comes into play remains to be seen.

Suited and booted

At the moment there are no motorbikes designed specifically for women. If a man can hop on and ride it, so can a woman. Part of the increase in the popularity of motorbikes for women is that bikes are no longer the heavy, petrol guzzling metal monstrosities that are popularised by American biker gangs. Modern motorbikes are built to be lighter and more agile, offering women a more comfortable ride. Companies have realised the popularity of biking for women and have create a large range of motorbike clothing specifically designed for women, taking into account the differences in body types to offer maximum protection.

If you’ve been tempted to hop on a motorcycle, then go for it. There are a number of female biker clubs dotted around the country, so you’ll be in good company wherever you ride.

This guest post was written free of charge by Jamie Gibbs, the resident blogger for bike insurance comparison site, Confused.com.

I have watched Hugh Furry Witless C*nty Fuckingstoke and his little River Cottage delights and I agree, I do, I do, I do -I really want curried egg mayonnaise with puy lentils to be a manly sandwich. I do because I love pulses and vegetables – I love great food. *oink, oink* Yep – 40 years investment in hard eating and drinking has made me this Rubenesque. Call it what you will.

The TV shows make it look so easy and effortless – you just do a bit of this, pop in a bit of that, whisk here, dig, dig and Bob’s your uncle we are runnning a self sufficient Kibbutz in The Shire and we all lived happily ever after. The END!

But the truth is I am not even sure it is possible to do it?

A couple of years ago we were living in military quarters in Poole, Dorset. Our only power sources and water supply were mains gas, mains electricity and mains water. There was a huge dump of snow across Britain that didn’t quite reach us. But it brought Britain to a standstill and none of the lorries could get through to Dorset to re-supply the supermarkets. There was panic buying and everyone cleaned the shops out of fresh produce. You couldn’t even buy a carrot. I realised that I was wholly dependent on the civil infrastructure for my survival. It made me realise that I needed to be somewhere where I could have a head start at protecting my children in the event of us surviving an apocalyptic incident. I realised that on some level I NEEDED to be more self sufficient. But how? I have no farming experience and I am as pampered as the next person. The folk on the TV make it look so easy!

So the idea behind the pilot was to discuss this notion and have a go at it at making a TV show about it but honestly, in a one take telly way, with no budget, limited resources and a very fixed time period.

My mate runs a production company and he sponsored me with the kit so we could up the shot grades and have a multiple camera shoot, I then was able to hire Jim Klass who I worked with at Help for Heroes to shoot, direct and edit and he brought in a second camera operator, Callum Toms.

We roughed out 6 segments:

Intro – Why?
At The Veggie Patch – from weeds to ??????
In the Hot Spot – guest spot with local Shireite – Music producer and musician Anthony Clarke
Kitchen Antics – the place where I bake a cake – Lemon Drizzle Cake
Dining Room debate – Is it even possible to become self sufficient? I think not!
Guests:
Political commentator: Mary Ann Seighart
Small holder: Stuart Taylor
Musician: Anthony Clarke

Jamming Out – music in t’kitchen – Anthony Clarke sings us out

We started at 8am and finished at 5pm and basically shot the lot in one day – it’s a bit garbled but we did it. There was no room for error and what we shot was what we got. Then Jim did a rapid edit in 24 hours and we have spliced it all together. A local band the A-Heads are now going to compose the music for and then when we drop that on it and it will be ready to show.

The truth is that making TV shows is a tough job and I am really impressed with what we achieved in such a short space of time. It’s rough around the edges, sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s dull and sometimes it makes your toes curl but you know what we had a go and if it was perfect then people wouldn’t work in TV as a job and everyone would be doing it!!!

I then had to hurtle back up to North West London to drop off, all the very gratefully received, borrowed kit and then hurtle back to The Shire to host The Menace’s 4th birthday and deliver her the best day ever, surrounded by small, bouncing, chatting little people and lots of Barbie dolls. No problem! She had a great day – and ate nothing but cake! Marie Antoinette would have been proud.

Argos would like to give visitors of a amodernmilitarymother.com the chance to win a £50 Argos gift card. The gift cards are redeemable at all UK Argos stores, and why not use your Argos gift card to treat the kids?

Argos stock an enormous selection of games and toys including some fantastic Lego Games including Lego Star Wars, Lego Ninjago and also New Lego Friends. Also for any budding little architectural engineers there is a great range of Lego City construction sets available for both boys and girls (aged 5+).

How to Enter:

To enter this giveaway simply email argoscomp@gmail.com with the correct answer to the question below.

The competition will close at midnight on Friday 18th May 2012.

Question:
Before using plastic to manufacture their famous bricks, Lego was originally made from what material? – (you can find a clue here at Wikipedia)

Answer A: Rubber
Answer B: Glass
Answer C: Wood
Answer D: Cast Iron

This prize has been supplied on behalf of Argos UK, the competition winner will be selected at random from all correct entries received. The winner will be notified within 28 days of the closing date. The prize is as stated: no cash alternatives are available. This competition is open to UK entrants only.

I used to think I knew what it was that women wanted in a partner, but I seem to have lost touch a little over the couple of years I have been single.

Mr Singleton

Now there’s a question – what does a woman look for in a man?

In my dream life, there are two things that I would like:

1.) A dog that doesn’t poop
2.) A man that looks after himself

To be honest, I think neither of them exist. Is there such a thing as the perfect man? What’s perfect? It would be nice if there were men out there that didn’t judge a book by it’s cover. It would be nice if a man actually respected the contribution that women make and didn’t take a woman for granted. It would be nice if men didn’t think that women were simply put on this planet to serve their needs. Opening doors for people, being polite – this is just basic manners, which show a respect for people, not just women. At the end of the day manners don’t cost anything.

What do you think? What do you think the modern single woman looks for in a partner? You tell me. I have no idea.

The Plot:

During a cruise, for a family holiday, the Chipmunks and Chipettes turn the cruiseship into their own playground causing trouble and running havoc as they will. Dave (Jason Lee) notices that his ex boss, Ian Hawke (David Cross) working as a safety monitor on the cruise ship. Alvin goes para-sailing on a kite and he flies away with the other chipmunks. Dave goes on a hang glider to find them with Ian and they both end up in the ocean.

Meanwhile, the six chipmunks discover an island and they sleep for the night. Dave gets Ian’s help find the same island and begin looking for the six chipmunks. The next morning, the chipmunks go in search of food and while doing so, an island castaway named Zoe (Jenny Slate) turns up and sees the Chipmunks and Chipettes for the first time. They then go to Zoe’s tree house and Simon gets bitten by a spider, the side effects include personality changes and loss of inhibition.

The morning after, everyone notices Simon’s personality has changed and he becomes a French, adventurous chipmunk named Simone. Simone asks Jeanette to dance to Alvin’s chagrin. Later, Zoe takes Simone, Jeanette, Eleanor and Theodore to a waterfall and Simone finds a cave. He returns with a gold bracelet which he gives to Jeanette. Brittany and Alvin see an active volcano the next day and they decide to leave the island. Theodore and Simone find Dave and Ian and they go to meet with the other chipmunks. They all begin to prepare a raft to get them off the island and everyone was allocated a job. When Jeanette and Simone go and look for food, Zoe kidnaps Jeanette and Simone gets knocked out, and reverted to normal.

Everyone finds Simon awake and he cannot remember anything since the bite. They find that Zoe has taken Jeanette and they head towards the waterfall. When they approached the tree log to cross, Dave and Alvin decide they’ll go and find Jeanette. As Zoe makes Jeanette to get the treasure by tying her to a rope, Alvin and Dave come to her rescue. The island begins to rumble again and Zoe let go of the rope and Jeanette runs with Dave and Alvin back to the raft. When they reach a log to cross, Dave almost falls.

Alvin and Ian convince Zoe to help save Dave. They then run towards the raft and escape the eruption. While on the raft, Zoe apologizes to Jeanette for kidnapping her and forcing her to get the treasure. As a present, Jeanette gives Zoe the gold bracelet that Simon had given to her. Alvin makes up with Dave and they are rescued. The Chipmunks and Chipettes perform at the International Music Awards.

In the film’s epilogue, the Chipmunks, the Chipettes, and Dave are on a plane going back home. Alvin is speaking on the pilot’s microphone that the plane’s destination is set for Timbuktu, accidentally pushes the food cart, and it hits Dave.