The Sixth Bit: Jammy Slippery Pervert
The hamster cage was empty. Just like she said it was. But there was potential evidence in there. Shame I couldn’t lift the cage off the table.
“Hagar glues it down to stop the kid’s taking the Hamster out.” Clare said, matter of factly after she had watched me for five minutes try to lift it from the kitchen counter. “Why do you need in there? The Hamsters not there.”
“Listen Sweetheart.” I said, only slightly red in the face. “There could be physical evidence in the cage. Ectoplasmic residue, possibly a hidden Sigel. Maybe even a trap door. I can’t tell unless I get to look in the cage. I take it that this metal lid…”
“Spot welded.” She said. “I don’t think Hagar trusted The Grenade and The Menace not to lift it off to play Escape from Colditiz.”
“Right. Plan B.” I said.
“Cool.” Said Clare. “I’ve got them on my Ipad. I’ll just go get it, though how you thing English Rap will help I don’t know, but you’re the professional.”
Good grief. Someone actually believed I knew what I was doing. I hunched over the cage and held out my hand.
“Pete. Pass me the Preserved Pervert.”
After some merry bantarage that resulted in Pete getting a slap on the head again, I unscrewed the lid of the jam jar. Humphrey’s jammy little head appeared.
“Dad. Dad. Dad. She’s covered me in jam. Do you think she’ll use me as a lollipop Dad. Ask her. Ask her Ask her if she’s like to lick the jam off. Go on Dad. Ask her and ask her if I can have her autograph Dad. Go on. Ask her.”
“Clare.” I said, lifting the Jammy Homunculus out. “Do you have any lolly sticks? Humphrey wants to be a lollipop. I’ll hold him still while you insert the stick.”
“I’ll get a broom handle then shall I?” Hey. My kind of Dame.
“Shutting the fuck up now Dad.”
“Now listen up.” I used a fork from the sink to scoop jam out of Humphrey’s ear. He ate it. “I want you to get into that cage and have a good root around. See what there is to be seen. OK? And under no circumstances, should you find a hamster, alive or dead, are you to shag it. Understand?”
Humph looked at the narrow cage bars.
“I dunno Dad.” He said, sucking jam and ear wax from his teeth. “Those bars are real close together. Looks like too tight a squeeze.”
“Yes.” I said, being reasonable. “But you are nice and slippy with jam and there is a porn mag used to line the bottom of the cage.”
It took Humph less than three seconds to work his way inside.
“You lying Bastard Dad.” Humph shouted as he cleared sawdust away from the cage floor. “There’s not a single page of any Gentleman’s Art House Periodical in here. Only a used lipstick, a toilet roll and a lot of drawing on the floor.”
I looked through the bars at the cage floor.
“Humphrey.” I said, taking a step back. “Do not move. Do not touch anything. Do not step inside that circle, just get out of the cage. Now.”
Humph looked up at me from the cage floor and walked towards me.
“Dad. Will you stop pissing about? You are not going to freak me out.”
Then Humph exploded.