Duck Day And Divas Dine In

There’s a duck analogy about how life should be conducted – “Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.” (said the actor Michael Caine). Today, I was a duck with spasms. It seemed no matter how focused I was on trying to keep it all together the kids would spin around like two Tasmanian Red Devils and create carnage.

The challenge I am facing is that as a freelance consultant, following my two week holiday, I am having to cram an entire months work into two weeks to ensure I make the moolah. This means that I am working until 10pm most nights, trying to keep life in Monica from Friends order, and deliver on the contracts. I am not complaining – it’s just a bit manic. I spent hours trying to get my head around the workload, the washing and plus a few other bits of technical wizardry.

I am hopefully interviewing Maj Dan Kearney, from Junger and Hetherington’s, hotly tipped for an Oscar, award winning documentary, Restrepo on a skype video call. I am trying to work out how to set the video up, and record the interview on my lonesome, from my little cupboard of an office, without looking like a complete biff, and at the same time, retaining some degree of dignity and professionalism. This matter is still pending resolution.

Meanwhile, the Menace, in the midst of this business, emptied the entire contents of a full washing up liquid bottle into the kitchen sink and then smeared it all over the counter. At lunch, she knocked a full bowl of baked beans on the kitchen floor, at dinner while watching Merlin (I really love Bradley James – like properly, not just a pretend girl crush. This is the real deal!)

*swoon* where was I?…….oh yes, she tipped peas and spaghetti all over the the living room carpet and then I had to clear up a battle scene. By this I mean, The Grenade had constructed an enormous Tolkeinesque Halo and plastacine battle, which dominated the dining room table…….you know the drill – mess, chaos, dynamic, constantly frenetic, little balls of energy, and so, as I was clearing up supper and trying to work out where Bradley and I will live when we betrothe, I called up to The Grenade, “er what’s The Menace up to?”
“She’s in her room rubbing herself with white stuff!”
“Shit!!” I knew instantly what had happened. Seriously, I thought I had bloody well hidden it. She must have found that hiding place now. As I turned into the bedroom, there she was sat on the changing table……

Fuckity, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!!! Sudocream is so gloopy, tacky and thick and very white! It just added more time on what needed to be done so I didn’t get my work done but there’s always tomorrow.

Just as an aside, this week was Divas Dine at the Officers Mess, which was a great evening. The delectable Divas who were organising it did a great job of breaking the ice with party games. There was pass the parcel. When it stopped at me I opened it up and there was a sachet with an avocado on it. I was a bit perplexed and wondered why I had won some salad dressing; but when I inspected it more closely it turned out to be a lovely face-pack. (After the day I have had today I shall be needing it to keep my face from cracking under the strain.) We played the ‘Who Am I?” game which got people up, moving and mingling. It was such a fab idea because forced everyone to chat to folk we each didn’t know. I talked to Mrs Staish (the Station Commander’s missus) and Mrs Gizfour (the wiflette of one of the wing commander’s) about creating a social do that all wives can go to and not just Officer’s Wives. There is a road at RAF Odiham that physically and metaphorically divides those that are officers and those that aren’t. It is a barrier to inter-rank mingling.

As a resolution we are launching a new Divas event. It’s a get together for ALL RAF Odiham Divas. Details will be available via Odiham FYI – ask at the HIVE how to subscribe. Don’t be shy now – WAGs come out, come out wherever you are.


  1. OMG I hate that fucking stuff too. It’s hard to say what’s worse – that or the vaseline. At least you can see sudocream. But it’s also thicker and harder to wipe off.
    Darling, deep breath, try not to throw the children out. You are doing fab and I’m impressed at how much you’ve accomplished.

  2. I’m smiling from memory, not laughing at you. One deployment, husband away, studying unversity by distance, two toddlers under foot, tropical army house growing overnight mould/maggots/cockroaches (joy!!) I came downstairs to find my son rubbing an entire 1 litre bottle of sunscreen through his blonde hair with a big smile on his face, like… how clever am I.

    These days, I work full time, deal with long deployments, a teen girl and 10 year old son… sub-tropical house, less cockroaches and I am now a devotee of Easy Off Bam.. so the mould is under control.

    Somehow, one day at a time, we all managed. I think that’s the secret… one step at a time.

    By the way.. I love reading your blog.. It would be good if the format was a little easier to read on my lastest devotion.. an Iphone.

    1. Yes – like Dory in Nemo said ‘just keep swimming’ and one foot in front of each. Slowly, catchy Monkey. Mould and bugs would push me over the edge. We did consider Townsville but the sea snakes put me off. I really am not good with pre-historic, deadly insect type things. To be honest I am not that great with any kind of bug.

      Thanks for reading the blog – if you read it in Safari or a browser rather than it should have an Iphone friendly format. I am in the midst of working out a new format but as we have established I am a bit of a biff.

    1. The walls did get a bit of a coating. I had a whole bottle of blue washing up liquid on the couch a month ago. My very expensive couch that I took two years to pay off! But it is funny! I am now laughing. And I am now waiting for yours to do the biz.

  3. Oh. My. God. And I thought my little un was messy. On the bright side your daughter is going to have beautiful skin.

    As for Bradley… I swear to God he’s had a topless scene in every episode of this series so far. Who bribed the BBC and with what ‘cos I’d like to see Katie McGrath doing the same.

    1. Yes, I can confirm that she had a rash free night! The BBC are very canny because all us horny, sexless mamas are pushing their ratings up, making our kids watch it under the myth that we are enjoying a family show!! Although breaking news I can confirm he waxes his chest. When I was googling pics of him I found one with a hairy chest!!! I can’t speak for Katie McGrath I imagine she keeps her chest hirsute.

  4. Opps! Now how would Bradley cope with all that tidying that is needed? Do you think he’d bring Merlin with him to help?! Great post that had me giggling – yes I know that wasn’t the point but…!

  5. I shouldn’t laugh but I do remember the Dark Princess doing something very similar with sunscreen AND on a separate occasion permanent marker where she labelled her naked body from head to toe. Oh and then that other time when she labelled every key of the digital piano – a b c d e f g h – in permanent marker! Needless to say we eventually banned permanent marker from our house! One day when time has passed you’ll laugh. You will. x

  6. Bwah ha ha ha ha ha.

    Sorry. That photo of the Menace cracked me up.
    I also cannot believe you actually stopped to take a photo whist having a coronary upon discovering what she was up to.

    LCM x

    1. I know and I made the mistake of leaving the camera next to her when I wet downstairs to get j-cloth and came back to find that had bum cream all over it too! Thankfully it’s waterproof so I was able to clean it. DOH!!

  7. Gosh that all sounds entirely manic!!! At least she had the good grace to do it and the changing table and not cover the carpets with it too!! Hope that life soon calms down xx

  8. That’s great! I hate when the spouses are segregated by rank. Good for you for heading that up and getting something organized. I’m glad you had fun at the Diva’s Dine In. Sorry about The Menace and the messes. She’s a cutie though!

  9. You never told me about the new camera getting ‘bum cream’ all over it! I reckon she is trying to copy me shaving mu huge Viking beard off………she is so cute though, hard to be annoyed (especially when geographically separated by being on exercise!) Love you guys xxx

  10. Very funny post–although I feel bad thinking about the mess you had to clean up!! We had a blue paint powder version of this. The boy played in it, then thought it looked so lovely he ate it. He had blue poos and we had a hard time convincing him to not try that again after he saw the poos.

    Good luck with the interview! It sounds like you actually have it very much under control. Skype is great for this–there’s a limited field of vision and you can make your place look any way you want in that little square of background!

  11. God I feckin’ hate Sudocrem, it’s a sod to get off. Full marks for grabbing the camera first though! Another one to add to the ‘Funny now, not at the time’ file I’m guessing.

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